I've worked solely with people with mental-health issues, some of them with severe mental illness, for the past 20 months. Prior to that, I saw a lot of people with mental-health issues in my work in poverty relief and as a benefits counselor to people with disabilities. And most of that time, I felt like I was on the outside, looking at people from a different place.
I've always considered that my mental state was a little on the low side of normal, whatever "normal" is. I may have experienced a little more depression and despair than most people, but not enough to consider therapy or medication.
That changed this fall.
Over the past 2 1/2 years, I've had my share of loss. My only sister died 2 1/2 years ago. Then, in succession, my son moved out of our house, I lost a job I loved, my husband's physical pain and physical limitations weren't resolved by surgery, my son moved out of state, and I lost a good friend. My mood tanked. And in early October, I seriously considered taking my own life.
How does that happen? How does a mental-health professional -- and all the people around her -- overlook the warning signs?
How do you boil a frog? Gradually. The frog never notices.
The dark clouds of despair roll in like fog, gently, until they surround you. The isolation starts slowly, as you make excuses for quitting groups and not seeing friends. And things that once brought joy lose their attraction. Pretty soon, being secluded with no distractions is your goal for the day. And death is the final seclusion.
I couldn't see it coming. And that afternoon, secluded for hours, swallowing a handful of pills would have been so easy.
Even typing the words this moment sends shivers up my neck.
Major depressive disorder was the diagnosis when the doctor spoke to me. One drug had no effect. A second drug, now in its third week, seems to be reversing my course. I've let the people closest to me know what nearly happened, and what I'm doing to deal with it. Besides my medication, I am starting grief therapy next week.
I realize how close I came to ending my life, and it terrifies me. I have a new level of empathy for the people I work with daily. How hard life can be. How much most of us take for granted. How fortunate I am to be here and writing this.
How grateful I am for today.
